It’s been a while since we gave you the stupid news that you deserve. Nearly a year, in fact. When we stopped posting to The Stupid News Network it was because the world didn’t seem all that stupid anymore. There was a glimmer of intelligence and hope for humanity on the horizon.
But we were wrong. Things have gotten ridiculous over the past year and there are more stupid news stories than ever before.
That’s why we’re relaunching under a new format. Instead of filling your inbox with short news stories, we’re going to compile the BEST news stories from the week into a newsletter. This way, you can find all of your stupid in one place as opposed to digging for content across the website.
We’ve broken the newsletter into a few sections: our featured story, Certified Stupid (short stupid news stories), Seriously Stupid (less stupid more serious), I Could Not Care Less (entertainment news), and finally Keep Procrastinating (our favourite videos from this week).
The newsletter will be published every Wednesday to help you get over the hump. We’re still working out the kinks, so if there’s anything you want to see more of (or less), just let us know!
Don’t worry, you can still get daily doses of stupid by liking our Facebook Page. In addition to a weekly newsletter, we’re also going to be featuring stories that are especially stupid, as well as a few other goodies. So stay tuned! If you want to overdose on stupid news, make sure you sign up for email notifications.
Now, let’s get back to the stupid.
3 Reasons Why Hawaii’s False Alarm Is Probably The Most Stupid Thing That Will Happen This Year
Earlier this month, Hawaiians woke up to an emergency broadcast message saying that a missile strike was going to happen within the hour. Naturally, everyone started panicking.
It took state officials 15 minutes to post on social media to say that the broadcast was a false alarm. After that, took another 38 minutes after the alert was sent out for the Emergency Management Agency to send out a second message confirming that the alarm was false. There are just too many stupid news stories to spawn from this emergency broadcast to ignore.
To start, according to reports, the alert was sent out after one employee pushed the wrong button. Yeah, it’s that easy to cause mass panic. The world thought WWIII was about to break out because someone’s finger slipped.
It gets even dumber from here.
Hawaii’s Governor, David Ige, was aware within “two minutes” that the emergency missile alert was a false alarm. However, he wasn’t able to post that information online because he forgot the password to his Twitter account. Do you think this is going to ruin his chance of re-election? You can’t really count on someone to take care of you in a time of crisis if they can’t remember their password. It’s the equivalent of your friend running away while you get mugged. Regardless, it wouldn’t have really mattered if he logged in, anyway. Governor David Ige has a whopping 7,700 followers on Twitter out of Hawaii’s ~1.4 million people. He might as well have just yelled out of his bedroom window with such a low follower count.
But perhaps the best news story to come out of this missile alert is from the adult entertainment website, Pornhub. For whatever reason, the marketing team over at Pornhub is obsessed with sharing analytics from the site. Most recently, they shared their web traffic from around the time of the missile alert.
Within 15 minutes of the missile alert, Pornhub traffic had plummeted 77% compared to the previous two Saturdays. You would think that in a life or death situation, web traffic would have dropped down to practically zero. But it didn’t. That means there’s a good chance that someone in Hawaii saw the missile alert and decided to head to Pornhub one last time. Alternatively, fifteen minutes after the missile strike was announced to be a false alarm, Pornhub traffic went up 48% compared to their average Saturday.
That’s one hell of a way to celebrate the fact that you aren’t about to get blown up.
Man Declared Dead By Three Doctors Wakes Himself Up By Snoring
A Spanish prisoner — who was declared dead by three different doctors — snored himself back to life just moments before his autopsy.
The man was just 29 years old when he was found unconscious on the floor of his jail cell. Doctors were so confident that the man was dead that within four hours doctors painted marks on his body to help guide the autopsy. Oops!
Have you ever snored so loud that you woke up? It’s downright terrifying. Now imagine snoring yourself back to life!
Man Arrested For Assaulting Girlfriend With Fried Chicken
Honestly, the title says it all. But if you’re feeling curious, you can read the full report here.
Texas Judge Tells Jury That God Wants Not Guilty Verdict
Texas judge Jack Robison interrupted jurors’ of a child trafficking case to tell them that they should find the accused not guilty because it was God’s will. The accused was 32 year old Elizabeth Romero Perez, who was accused of repeatedly trafficking her teenage niece to an older man in Honduras.
The judge apologised to the jury but said, “When God tells me to do something, I gotta do it.” The jury didn’t feel the same way as God, however, and found Perez guilty. She was sentenced to 25 years in prison.
“Thou shalt find the defendant not guilty” is actually the 11th commandment. Moses couldn’t write down because he ran out of room on the tablets.
Phone App Allows You To Consent To Sex In Legally Binding Agreement
A new app called LegalFling allows users to consent to sex before going on a date and tell potential partners what is and is not okay before getting freaky in the bedroom.
The app — which is probably the most awkward thing ever — sends a request for consensual sex from User A to User B, and User B has the option to click the heart for “yes” or the “x” for no.
Criminal attorney Ross Richelsoph praised the app, but said that “It’s not going to be full proof,” and added, “They can still withdraw consent verbally. You still have to stop.”
This app is going to cause all sorts of problems.
Britain Appoints Minister For Loneliness
Britain appointed a new minister of loneliness to tackle the growing problem of isolation, which is felt by more than one in ten people in the UK. According to reports, 200,00 older people in the UK have not had a conversation with a friend or relative in more than a month.
It’s a serious problem, but they should have named the position something other than “Minister For Loneliness.” It sounds more like an insult than a government job.
Someone needs to abolish this problem once and for all. Maybe we should try introducing lonely people to LegalFling?
School Removes Wall To Girls’ Bathroom To Prevent Bullying
Parents in a small UK town are outraged after a school removed the front wall of the girls’ bathroom. According to the school, the wall was removed to deter students from smoking and bullying. The bathroom stalls are now visible from the hallway, and the school plans to do the same thing to the boys’ bathroom soon. I’m sure nobody is going to bully the girl that just spent 15 minutes dropping a deuce in the stall. Right? Especially now that everyone walking by in the hallway will see (and smell) her leaving the stall.
Why should teachers pop their heads in the bathroom every now and then to make sure nobody is smoking when they can just take down an entire wall? Privacy was overrated, anyway.
Pentagon Confirms Existence Of Russian Doomsday Torpedo
In case you weren’t scared of our impending doom, a U.S nuclear weapons document confirmed the existence of the most powerful nuclear weapon in human history. The bomb, which is said to be located on an “autonomous underwater vehicle” that has the power of 100,000,000 tons of TNT. For simple comparison, the nuke dropped on Hiroshima was the equivalent of 16,000 tons of TNT..
There’s no joke here. It’s just a stupid big bomb.
China Says Democracy Is Flawed
China’s official news agency recently reported that the recent U.S. government shutdown is proof that democracy is “flawed” and “unnecessarily hectic.” Yeah, it sure is hectic having more than one political party to vote for. Is every government absolutely crazy these days?
Then again, China also recently put a ban on hip hop culture and tattoos from appearing in the media so maybe dictatorship’s aren’t so bad after all…
Egypt Passes Bill To Improve Universal Healthcare
Egypt recently passed a bill to improve the public healthcare system that they currently have in place. Essentially, the bill will make healthcare even more affordable for citizens. It’s refreshing to see a government that is willing to take proactive measures to take care of their citizens. This must be one of the sh*thole countries that Trump was talking about.
I Could Not Care Less
and I could not care less.
and I could not care less.
and I could not care less.
and I could not care less (because it’s probably fake).
and I could not care less.
and I could not care less because this already exists and it’s called the news.
Fans of the sitcom Friends were disappointed when the trailer for an alleged Friends movie turned out to be a hoax — and I kind of care. That was a great TV show.
Procrastinate A Little Longer
Don’t want to head back to reality yet? That’s fine! Listed below are a few videos from this past week that are particularly entertaining. See something you like? Let us know so we can add more of it next week.